High Hopes

 A warning: this material is on it's own page for a reason. If you don't want to read about our fertility issues, don't...stick to the main page. Thanks.

OK, the time has come now to tell our Secondary Infertility story. I've been thinking about making this part of my life more public for a very long time. I'm hoping that other people going through the same or similar experience will find some sort of connection but I'm still not really sure what the main purpose of this particular blog is. I guess sometimes it's just nice to be able to tell our stories.
Hmmm, where to start? I was totally one of those people who thought I'd never have kids...not because I didn't want them and I had no medical issues, just a hunch that because I wanted them so bad, it might not happen for me. Well, I convinced Will to start trying earlier than we'd planned on because a lot of our friends were taking longer than they had expected to get pregnant. I found out I was pregnant one month later....I didn't believe it for the longest time. Once Will got over the initial shock, we started to both eagerly plan, pray for and await the birth of our daughter. Giving birth was amazing. I loved it. I mean, the pain was unbearable but oh wow, that incredible feeling when your baby is out of your body and lying in your arms...you can't beat that. How I long for that feeling again.

Four months pregnant with Abbey at Hot Water Beach, December 2007

I guess that's the weird thing about secondary infertility, we do already have an incredibly beautiful daughter. Her name is Abigail (Abbey) and she has so much character, I truly love her to pieces. I've seen comments on other people's blogs and even heard people say, well you're lucky you've already got one child. And well, yes we are. But, in some ways this makes the whole infertility thing a lot harder. I'll come back to that later.
We waited a while to try again for another child. I was working as a teacher and Will was working as a full time Youth Pastor. Plus, I really needed time for my body to heal and to learn how to be in my new role as a mother.  In July 2010 we got pregnant again after the first month of trying. I found out on a Sunday that I was pregnant and lost my baby the next Saturday morning. We think I was about 5 weeks along.
Needless to say I was absolutely devastated. Life had been stressful for many different reasons I won't go into. It was a kick in the face. A miscarriage is a long, drawn out, horrible process. Well, mine was anyway. I was in despair, angry and was definitely asking God "why?".
After my miscarriage, I had amazing friends who stepped in to support me. I really felt the love- cooked dinners, small gifts, flowers, hugs and stories from others who had been through similar experiences. I know miscarriages happen often- and to people who are much further along, but I will never forget that feeling of losing my baby.
From then on my system was completely out of whack, as in getting my period two times a month whack! I went to a regular GP who told me it had nothing to do with my miscarriage (which every doctor and specialist has told me since then btw). Total coincidence then? They told me to try going back on birth control pills to regulate my system or to just give it time. I gave it time until the end of that year when my friend kindly suggested I just make an appt to see a fertility specialist. We had still been trying those six months but I'm sure I wasn't having enough time to ovulate in between periods.
The fertility specialist ordered all kinds of tests and then suggested I start taking Clomiphene which would hopefully regulate my cycle and help me to ovulate. I started on 50mg (lowest dosage). Although I didn't get major side effects, I found I was extremely emotional on day 7 of taking them....not very helpful when you have to teach Kindergarten.  I was also being closely monitored with blood tests. Getting up in the cold at 6 something to go get your blood taken was definitely not my favorite thing.
After taking the clomiphene for two months, I wasn't ovulating and I now needed to take Provera to kick start my periods as now they weren't coming at all. They upped my dosage to 100mg and my blood tests showed I ovulated 1 time. They moved me up to 150 mg and I didn't ovulate. Ugghh, my body is crazy! This is a very shortened version of all that time because it was a while ago and horrible, heartbreaking actually. A complete emotional rollercoaster. Needless to say, I didn't get pregnant. December 2011 I decided to stop taking Clomiphene for a while during the summer holidays. In January I asked the specialists to anaylze my blood tests just to see what was happening. That month I ovulated with my highest estrogen level yet since starting on my infertility journey...with no drugs!  This was a really positive sign for me.
This is the point where I started to think that things like stress levels and diet might play a bigger part in my health issues than I had previously realized. 
 The next month we moved to the States and then I didn't get my period until April. I am now taking a herbal pill called Fertilaid (which I had never heard of before). It is completely all-natural ingredients and it's effects have been positive for me so far as my period has regulated. I will update as I continue to take it. 
Needless to say, this a very broad summary of my whole experience thus far. I have a horrible long term memory so some details may be fuzzy. 
This journey has continued to be exhausting, testing and horribly depressing for me. Friends of mine have been trying to get pregnant, gotten pregnant and already had their babies during the time we've been experiencing this. That hurts. 
At the same time, I feel God carrying me. I don't get it, I think it's unfair but I'm trying to let God love me through it all. This song by JJ Heller says it way better than I can:


 I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands